I Will Trust Him ... Even If ...

As a catch-up for those who haven't heard or can't remember, I have been sick for about 8 years with issues related to pancreatitis. But for the past 7 months, I have experienced pain every day. The latest plan of action is to get my next blood tested again at the end of the month, then get the results on July 31 on a visit to my new endocrinologist. If my triglycerides are below 500 (they're supposed to be 150 or lower--mine have been more than 1000 since 2004, 1250 two months ago), I will be able to have the surgery that the surgeons think will be able to fix my problems and make the pain stop...at least it has worked for 60% of this surgeon's patients in the past. The problem is that they cannot know if that is even my problem...until they get in there.

Well, I have a track record with my numbers...they often go up and down with no rhyme or reason. In other words, once when I went on a pretty strict diet, was exercising and lost weight, my number went UP. After that, I said, "Well, forget that, I killed myself for nothing, so I'm doing whatever I want." Guess what happened? Yep, you guessed it. My numbers went down. My doctors have been so perplexed, frustrated, humbled, saying I'm an anomaly and a walking miracle.

So, as my lab date draws closer, I begin to fret, worry, be anxious, etc...God, what will I do IF my numbers don't go down...or even worse, they go up. I can't handle that. Or, what if my triglycerides do go below 500, I get the surgery, but they don't find the problem they think it is...they find nothing and my pain will continue. It means I have done all this for nothing. It means I gave up popcorn, potatoes, pasta, bread, fruit, candy and DIET COKE, etc...all for NOTHING! I've lost 22 lbs in 30 days, but for what if I can't have health and live without pain?

But then ... God spoke to me. He really spoke to me ... for the second time in this journey. The first time was telling me I had to give up the Diet Coke because it had become an idol in my life. He was right. I gave it up, and HE has helped me not to crave it or miss it at all.

This latest time, which was just a couple days ago, late one evening, was when I was in my whining, fretting mode...saying, "God, what if... What if my numbers don't go down? What if they can't figure out what is wrong with me? What if I never get better? Will I be able to trust You? Will I be able to go on living joyfully in the midst of daily pain?"

Then, clear as if He was sitting next to me, because basically He was, He said, "Trust me ... even if. Come to me, Susan. I adore you." Then, I knew that no matter what happens, I WILL be OK because He is with me, He loves me...even if I never find relief, I'll never walk this walk alone.

I don't know what people who have no faith, no Jesus in their lives do in these stormy times. I know I am holding on tightly ... for life...EVEN IF!

Blog Name Change Needed!

Well, first order of business is that my son told me I need to change the title of my blog since I've given up Diet Coke for health reasons. So, as I thought about it, I thought Chai Chat would be cute and catchy and although it's not completely healthful to drink, I love it. But, alas, the name is already being used ... twice. One for a talk radio show and one for a group to reconcile religious differences. So, hum, what else? Water, of course, is the best drink of choice, but honestly, although I'm drinking it by the gallons, I don't really love it. Plus, Water Cooler Chat was also taken and Water Chat is just too boring ... and kinda misleading. Unsweetened Ice Tea Chat is so not catchy, even though it is not taken and it HAS become my drink of choice lately. 

So, I need your help ... what should I retitle my blog to? Give me your ideas ... you might just be the winner and get bragging rights to a blog read by a whooping 100 people/post! : ) Take that you professional Mommy bloggers now making millions!

Coming soon ... what God recently spoke to me about ...

Hope in the Midst of Health Issues

"Susan, I'm so proud of you." "Keep up the good work." "You must be feeling so much better these days."

I wanted to give an update to my continuous battle with health issues, and share what my typical answers are to the above comments.

Thank you so much! Your encouragement, kind words and support mean the world to me.

Thanks! It is hard work, but it has been so much easier than I ever thought possible. I realize that it took desperate life and death circumstances for this stubborn woman to get it through my think skull that MAJOR changes needed to be made. Sure, I've done the right thing here and there lots of times throughout the years, but I always approached it with mediocrity, half hearted. And even though many times I have sought the Lord for strength and help, I had never come to Him in total desperation, pleading for HIS power and His strength to empower me. I am happy to report at the end of day 16, I am going strong and feeling great ... emotionally, at least. I have been able to not only resist every temptation, but I have not even had the desire for any of the no-no's. THAT, my friends, is the power of the Holy Spirit.

Unfortunately, I am NOT feeling better these days. Many have thought that since I am eating so much more healthily, getting the wicked toxins out and losing weight, that I should feel a lot better. I suppose that would be true if I was doing this to simply improve my health, but the reality is that I am very sick. According to my many doctors, I am a walking miracle. To be able to live the full, active and functioning life that I have is simply unheard of for someone that has lived with the severity of my complications for as long as I've been dealing with it (since the fall of 2004). I continue to have pain every day ... at times, excruciating pain.

But through it all, I am growing in my faith and overall walk with the Lord. There is always a reason to be found for the things we go through ... good and bad. We just need to be open to see and hear HIM talking to us, showing us, loving us. I do have hard days emotionally. In fact, I wanted to write this post last night, but I was so emotionally spent that I just couldn't do it. But today, God brought hope back to me again.

"Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart, All you who hope in the LORD" (Psalm 31:24).

My pain was very manageable today, and my surgeon called me. Yes, the surgeon ... not the receptionist ... not the nurse, but the doctor himself. He was proud of my progress with the diet and weight loss too, but he reminded me that the bottom line for me is my numbers ... getting the liver enzymes into normal range and getting my triglycerides down from 1200 to at least 500. He reminded me again today that I am blessed to be alive; he was so thrilled that my pancreas is in so much better shape than he thought; that I will not need a transplant in the near future and encouraged me to keep at it because there is no chance for surgery without those numbers coming down. He said that even doing the procedure at 500 is risky but doing them at 1200 is a death sentence.

 So, I am asking for prayer that:

• I can stay strong on my diet, making wise choices.

• I can get over my phobia of pill taking. I currently am on 9 medications and every swallow is a struggle for me. The medications are as important, if not more important, as the diet.
• My blood tests are July 26, and I see my new endocrinologist on July 31.
• My numbers would go down dramatically, and I will be able to have surgery in Aug.
• When I have surgery, they find that it is sphincter of oddi, and they can fix it, and that it relieves my pain completely and that there are NO other problems or pain.
• I can maintain a healthy lifestyle forever.

Hope this helps you better understand my daily struggles, but also encourages you in your walk with the Lord. Be of good courage ... He WILL strengthen your heart. Our HOPE is in the Lord.

Make the Means Justify the End

You've heard the idiom, "the ends justify the means" or the end excuses any evil, meaning it doesn't matter what you do (right or wrong) getting there as long as when you get there, you achieve your goal. Well, I'm putting a little spin on that thought tonight. I'm saying, make the means justify the end.

Let me put it into context...I've had eczema on my neck for many years. Not many people see it, and honestly, I am not often bothered by it, but every time I get my hair cut and the hair dresser asks about it or I sweat a lot, and it begins to burn, I say to myself...why do I not regularly use the cream I have that totally heals it?! Why? Because it's a pain. I have to use it every day or the rash reappears. So, usually, I just say it's not worth it. I guess it's the same idea as people who refuse to make their beds because they're just going to mess it up again.

Another example is conquering a great feat like training to climb a mountain, then climbing it, studying hard for a test, then passing, etc... You can rejoice in that great accomplishment if you get there fairly and honestly.

Well, I'm in that phase of life right now with my diet. Because of my ongoing health issues, I've been told I must go on a very strict diet--no carbohydrates, no starches, no sugars, no grains, no fruits and NO DIET COKE (or any carbonated drink.) So many of my friends and family have been huge encouragements to me, for which I am grateful, but honestly, it has been pretty easy to say no thus far. (I know I am only on day 11, but it's the best I have done in a long time.) I know that the reason it has been easier this time around is because of God's strength in me... and the reality that I am living with chronic pain. It's easy to say no to the tempting piece of fresh zucchini bread with warm butter when I picture that piece as being equal to continued pain and sickness. Thus, it's so not worth it! I am gonna make the means justify the end... no cheating along the way...

So, here's to you--you who are trying to spend more time with your kids; you who are trying to lose weight; you who are trying to exercise more regularly; you who are trying to get out of debt; you who are trying to keep your house cleaner; you ... fill in the blank (btw, all these are ME) ...let's not make excuses to getting where we wanna go. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it takes time, energy and resources. And yes, we're tired and lazy, but it's worth it. I'm not going to choose to do anything morally wrong in my journey to achieve the result that I want, but I am going to pray so hard, work so hard, be encouraged so fully that each step along the way will be celebrated...and each day that I make a good choice, get good results...well then, that's a victory, right? There are fireworks going shooting off in my world tonight! : )

Stomping Out My Fears

I teach people how to create their own blogs...and then I warn them...do NOT start a blog if you are not going to post regularly...or else you will lose your audience. I'm definitely not practicing what I preach.

My name is Susan. It's been 4 months since my last post. I am a perfectionist.

Huh? Yep. I write, edit and do general things in the world of communications on a daily basis (and I love it), but when it comes to writing my own blog, I struggle. Why? I love to write. It's super cathartic. I certainly don't lack good material or stories. But...I can't seem to just let go and freely write and not worry that it's perfectly formed or thought out. So, tonight, I said to myself, "Just go for it! Do it!" Plus in our world of social media, I can just repost on FB and the missed months of blogging seem to evaporate.

So, here's to freely blogging more often in the near future!

Life Is Precious

I have a good life. I am blessed. I don't take one day for granted. I know our days are numbered. It seems that death, sickness and challenges surround me/us these days.

I have a coworker whose adult son died last week of a heart attack. Another coworker's son was just diagnosed with cancer. My bestie has leukemia...and now so does her son. A friend was just diagnosed with breast cancer on Monday. 

Tomorrow my dad finds out when/if he'll have the surgery to "disconnect" his heart electrodes and live 100% dependent on a pacemaker. He ponders mortality and eternity every day as he lives a less than full life these days. It's hard to watch your parents grow old. It's hard to grow old...although I don't fight it.

Whitney Houston died, and the world can't stop talking about it, but I think it's OK, especially if it makes people think about mortality and eternity. I hope so.

I'm reading the "it" book right now, Heaven Is for Real. It's making me think a lot more deeply than I thought I would...about death. about life. about God. about sharing Jesus.

I know about pain. emotional. spiritual. physical. I lived with chronic back pain for more than two years. Today, I battle pancreatitis. I had been asymptomatic for 1 1/2 years, but at the New Year, the pain returned. Tests says it's not pancreatitis...yay...but we don't know what it is. So, I live with abdominal pain every day...for now...for such a time as this.

It's frustrating, but it's OK. It makes me appreciate every day. And it makes me always talk to, question and trust the Lord. That's a good thing.

My list could go on with people losing jobs, struggling to pay bills and others just generally unhappy and uncertain about what tomorrow holds.

Me? I know what holds tomorrow...and WHO holds it.

So, I live life trying to please Him.

I'm so privileged to be Patrick's wife. I'm an awful wife, mind you...selfish and arrogant, but I love him deeply, and I try really hard. And the stuff I do well, I do really well! He's such a good man...and a natural evangelist. He wants to be, rather, he needs to be in full time Christian service. But I lack faith. How will we afford insurance with my medical history? Oh, God, help me trust!The day is coming soon though, I think.

And wow, the awesome responsibility to be the mom of C & R blows me away at times. I don't take it lightly. But a great mama, I am not. I lack patience and am much too demanding. But I am learning, and they NEVER question if I love them. I am grateful for the privilege of teaching them God's Word...to walk in His ways...but even with that I struggle. I scream and yell at them to memorize their Scripture verses. Duh!? How moronic is that?

My ministry with One Mission Society could not be more fulfilling. Get this, I actually LIKE going to work. I always feel so bad for people that sing the TGIF tune. Why do I enjoy it so much? Because I realize that the part I play (although remote and small in the grand scheme of things) is important...and it IS part of fulfilling the Great Commission. Last year alone, as a result of OMS ministries (and by God's grace), more than 700,000 people made decisions for Christ...and these were not just counted hands in the air at a big conference. Each soul was followed up, discipled, trained...each decision was real.

Yes, I have my own set of worries and struggles, but for me, the phrase, "God is good, all the time," is not a cliche. I believe it, even when I don't feel it. Life is precious. I don't want one precious minute of it to be wasted.

This post is dedicated to my friend, Jodi McKenna, in honor of her imperfections and her encouragement.

A Few of My Favorite Things

It's been a while since I blogged...do you know why I don't blog much? Do you think it is because I'm too busy? I am busy, but no, that's not why. Do you think it's because I don't have any interesting stories to tell? Nope, I got 'em by the truckload. Confession...it's because I'm a perfectionist and struggle with not blogging perfectly the thought I want to express. After all, I am supposed to be a writer. So many people have begged me to write a book or two. I want to, but my anal, perfectionist, OCD tendencies prevent me. I'm trying to overcome it with the Lord's help...and to just blog for the great cathartic results I get and not to try to impress or humor...just get the ideas, jumbled as they are on "paper."

So, this is what's on my mind today...naming my favorite things. Why? I'm sad. My best friend found out that her son has leukemia today. Daniel is like a third child to me. I hurt for him and for his family. This is going to be a hard journey. So, instead of fixing my mind on the sadness, I have prayed much and now I am ready to praise through shouting out my favorite things. These are things that bring me joy...gifts from God, family, friends and life...

I'm not going to be as lyrical or rhymy as Maria, eg raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, but these things make me happy, bring me joy, make me smile...and I need that today.

DIET COKE, of course, in a large styrofoam cup from McDonalds, from a fountain, for sure;

Red licorice strings; a handful of red hots swishing around in my mouth; watching big, white snowflakes fall from the sky (even better witnessing Trinidadian family members who've never seen snow look up at it in wonder and dance around in joy); watching my daughter's face at Disney World when she saw the castle for the first time...and she got tears in her eyes (and she's not a princess fan), thanked me for bringing her and saying, "This place really is magical, Mommy."

A juicy steak cooked to perfection on the grill; a great episode of Castle; when my husband spontaneously laughs loud and strong...doesn't happen often, but when it does, it's precious; having a 100% clean house and sitting and looking at it with pride and joy; listening to my incredible son ask me about my day and hugging me hard when he knows it was crummy; watching Christmas lights twinkle while sitting in a dark room; smelling homemade bread and cookies baking in the oven, with the delicious smells permeating the whole house; staying on track with my Bible-in-a-year reading plan and really learning new stuff and enjoying doing it with my girl;

a clean desk at work; playing games on Facebook which easily relaxes and decompresses me; scrapbooking with friends; looking at those same completed scrapbooks with my kids and reliving the memories; reading a great book, esp. if it's about medieval Scotland; having lip balm at my fingertips wherever I am; living in a free country; watching a great movie, with a big bowl of popcorn; angel food cake; anything with mint or toffee in it; hanging out with my extended family and playing games (this past New Year's eve was awesome!)

the color purple; a new purse; the Container Store or any other organizationy kind of store/supplies; pasta; pixie stix, esp. the red ones; The Amazing Race; Jeremy Camp's "Give Me Jesus."

Anything by Fernando Ortega; Tyler Perry; forcing my kids to do their AWANA verses (not so much fun) but seeing them work at it, learn them and really GET IT = priceless; completing a big project at work; having the privilege of serving Jesus...no, really!; hanging with my girlfriends, sharing a meal; a big heaping pile of my mom's mashed potatoes and gravy; my mom's Christmas sugar cookies; ginger snaps; root beer floats; tacos al pastor; sleeping an extra hour either in the morning or with a weekend nap; the smell of freshly cut grass; paying all the monthly bills and having more than $13.82 to last for the next two weeks; the kids carrying their clean clothes upstairs and putting them away; coming home at the end of a long day, dreading having to cook dinner and then, smelling that hubby cooked for us all!

These are a few of my favorite things. I'm happy now...and you know me a little better now too if you made it this far. Oh yeah, I love my friends too, especially those who read my blog and make fun comments! : )

Stay tuned tomorrow for...a few of my most hated things...just kidding, although I could probably come up with a few of those too. Happy New Year 2012!