Traditions and Parenting

Two themes have been swirling around my head for the past few days...traditions and parenting.

Traditions--I suppose this is because it is Christmas, and I'm feeling guilty this year because many of the traditions that I/we have established for our family have been thrown out the window this year. Why? I could give a few really good reasons...the ones I've been giving people for the past month...things like we're leaving the country for Christmas, why go to all the trouble; or I don't want Christmas to get lost in the traditions of gifts and Christmas trees and decorations. I want my kids understanding the real meaning of CHRISTmas. I could go on, but I won't. The real reason...deep down inside of myself...I just don't want to. I feel lazy and...well, I just don't feel like it. For the first time in my life, I do not have a Christmas tree up... and I just don't care. I feel bad and a bit guilty for my kids, but not for me. What' wrong with me?

It's not just the traditions of a tree and decorations that I'm foregoing either...my poor son has lost 4 teeth in the past week or so...and the tooth fairy has yet to appear. Oh, the kids know the truth, but we "pretend" and have fun with the fantasy of it. They play along...mostly for my sake. But I don't feel like playing lately. Caleb just wants his money. What's wrong with me?

Maybe I'm just too tired...or maybe I'm suffering from what my husband suffers from...seasonal depression. For years he's wanted to move back to FL or to Trinidad. Every year, I either say no or maybe next year. I don't want to move. I love living near my family. I love that it's not too hot here. I love my ministry with OMS. I love that my kids are being raised in a good place. But what's wrong with me?

This one is easy. I know I can't be fully happy or content when my husband is miserable--makes me feel too selfish. Sure, I try to pep talk him into saying that God can use him here--that he needs to be open to that. But his heart is still so sad...and thus, so is mine.

Then, there's the whole topic of parenting. I'm an awful mom! Well, not really...and I'm not doing one of those subliminal messages to draw attention to myself so that you'll write and say, "No, Susan, you're a great mom." And this whole feeling is not really about comparing myself to other moms around me, although I do. Other moms with double the number of kids that I have seem to get so much more done than me. Other moms are spending so much quality time with their kids as they homeschool them daily. I barely see my kids. And then there's the yelling...

I'm a screamer...I've prayed; I've read books on the topic...I know it is bad and does no good. Yet, I continue to yell. I would NEVER yell at another human being the way I yell at my precious children...it makes me sad.

We're having some issues with Caleb...getting in trouble as school, etc... I see him changing...some of which is due to hormones, but I wonder if my screaming is permanently damaging him. Tonight, he screamed at his sister. I told him how mean and awful it sounded, and Rachel says, "Yeah, just like when you yell at us." Oh, Lord, help me. What's wrong with me?

Ah, I'm a work in progress. I'm OK, really I am...just going through some spiritual growing pains. The final thing I have repeatedly heard this week...due to Christmas quickly approaching... is the "fear not" passage. Yeah, I need to cling to those words. Do not be afraid...of parenting, of change, of letting go of traditions, of not always being right, of being lazy sometimes, of failing, of not being perfect and of angels that bring tidings of great joy. Emmanuel...God with us...