I Will Trust Him ... Even If ...

As a catch-up for those who haven't heard or can't remember, I have been sick for about 8 years with issues related to pancreatitis. But for the past 7 months, I have experienced pain every day. The latest plan of action is to get my next blood tested again at the end of the month, then get the results on July 31 on a visit to my new endocrinologist. If my triglycerides are below 500 (they're supposed to be 150 or lower--mine have been more than 1000 since 2004, 1250 two months ago), I will be able to have the surgery that the surgeons think will be able to fix my problems and make the pain stop...at least it has worked for 60% of this surgeon's patients in the past. The problem is that they cannot know if that is even my problem...until they get in there.

Well, I have a track record with my numbers...they often go up and down with no rhyme or reason. In other words, once when I went on a pretty strict diet, was exercising and lost weight, my number went UP. After that, I said, "Well, forget that, I killed myself for nothing, so I'm doing whatever I want." Guess what happened? Yep, you guessed it. My numbers went down. My doctors have been so perplexed, frustrated, humbled, saying I'm an anomaly and a walking miracle.

So, as my lab date draws closer, I begin to fret, worry, be anxious, etc...God, what will I do IF my numbers don't go down...or even worse, they go up. I can't handle that. Or, what if my triglycerides do go below 500, I get the surgery, but they don't find the problem they think it is...they find nothing and my pain will continue. It means I have done all this for nothing. It means I gave up popcorn, potatoes, pasta, bread, fruit, candy and DIET COKE, etc...all for NOTHING! I've lost 22 lbs in 30 days, but for what if I can't have health and live without pain?

But then ... God spoke to me. He really spoke to me ... for the second time in this journey. The first time was telling me I had to give up the Diet Coke because it had become an idol in my life. He was right. I gave it up, and HE has helped me not to crave it or miss it at all.

This latest time, which was just a couple days ago, late one evening, was when I was in my whining, fretting mode...saying, "God, what if... What if my numbers don't go down? What if they can't figure out what is wrong with me? What if I never get better? Will I be able to trust You? Will I be able to go on living joyfully in the midst of daily pain?"

Then, clear as if He was sitting next to me, because basically He was, He said, "Trust me ... even if. Come to me, Susan. I adore you." Then, I knew that no matter what happens, I WILL be OK because He is with me, He loves me...even if I never find relief, I'll never walk this walk alone.

I don't know what people who have no faith, no Jesus in their lives do in these stormy times. I know I am holding on tightly ... for life...EVEN IF!