I Will Trust Him ... Even If ...

As a catch-up for those who haven't heard or can't remember, I have been sick for about 8 years with issues related to pancreatitis. But for the past 7 months, I have experienced pain every day. The latest plan of action is to get my next blood tested again at the end of the month, then get the results on July 31 on a visit to my new endocrinologist. If my triglycerides are below 500 (they're supposed to be 150 or lower--mine have been more than 1000 since 2004, 1250 two months ago), I will be able to have the surgery that the surgeons think will be able to fix my problems and make the pain stop...at least it has worked for 60% of this surgeon's patients in the past. The problem is that they cannot know if that is even my problem...until they get in there.

Well, I have a track record with my numbers...they often go up and down with no rhyme or reason. In other words, once when I went on a pretty strict diet, was exercising and lost weight, my number went UP. After that, I said, "Well, forget that, I killed myself for nothing, so I'm doing whatever I want." Guess what happened? Yep, you guessed it. My numbers went down. My doctors have been so perplexed, frustrated, humbled, saying I'm an anomaly and a walking miracle.

So, as my lab date draws closer, I begin to fret, worry, be anxious, etc...God, what will I do IF my numbers don't go down...or even worse, they go up. I can't handle that. Or, what if my triglycerides do go below 500, I get the surgery, but they don't find the problem they think it is...they find nothing and my pain will continue. It means I have done all this for nothing. It means I gave up popcorn, potatoes, pasta, bread, fruit, candy and DIET COKE, etc...all for NOTHING! I've lost 22 lbs in 30 days, but for what if I can't have health and live without pain?

But then ... God spoke to me. He really spoke to me ... for the second time in this journey. The first time was telling me I had to give up the Diet Coke because it had become an idol in my life. He was right. I gave it up, and HE has helped me not to crave it or miss it at all.

This latest time, which was just a couple days ago, late one evening, was when I was in my whining, fretting mode...saying, "God, what if... What if my numbers don't go down? What if they can't figure out what is wrong with me? What if I never get better? Will I be able to trust You? Will I be able to go on living joyfully in the midst of daily pain?"

Then, clear as if He was sitting next to me, because basically He was, He said, "Trust me ... even if. Come to me, Susan. I adore you." Then, I knew that no matter what happens, I WILL be OK because He is with me, He loves me...even if I never find relief, I'll never walk this walk alone.

I don't know what people who have no faith, no Jesus in their lives do in these stormy times. I know I am holding on tightly ... for life...EVEN IF!

Blog Name Change Needed!

Well, first order of business is that my son told me I need to change the title of my blog since I've given up Diet Coke for health reasons. So, as I thought about it, I thought Chai Chat would be cute and catchy and although it's not completely healthful to drink, I love it. But, alas, the name is already being used ... twice. One for a talk radio show and one for a group to reconcile religious differences. So, hum, what else? Water, of course, is the best drink of choice, but honestly, although I'm drinking it by the gallons, I don't really love it. Plus, Water Cooler Chat was also taken and Water Chat is just too boring ... and kinda misleading. Unsweetened Ice Tea Chat is so not catchy, even though it is not taken and it HAS become my drink of choice lately. 

So, I need your help ... what should I retitle my blog to? Give me your ideas ... you might just be the winner and get bragging rights to a blog read by a whooping 100 people/post! : ) Take that you professional Mommy bloggers now making millions!

Coming soon ... what God recently spoke to me about ...

Hope in the Midst of Health Issues

"Susan, I'm so proud of you." "Keep up the good work." "You must be feeling so much better these days."

I wanted to give an update to my continuous battle with health issues, and share what my typical answers are to the above comments.

Thank you so much! Your encouragement, kind words and support mean the world to me.

Thanks! It is hard work, but it has been so much easier than I ever thought possible. I realize that it took desperate life and death circumstances for this stubborn woman to get it through my think skull that MAJOR changes needed to be made. Sure, I've done the right thing here and there lots of times throughout the years, but I always approached it with mediocrity, half hearted. And even though many times I have sought the Lord for strength and help, I had never come to Him in total desperation, pleading for HIS power and His strength to empower me. I am happy to report at the end of day 16, I am going strong and feeling great ... emotionally, at least. I have been able to not only resist every temptation, but I have not even had the desire for any of the no-no's. THAT, my friends, is the power of the Holy Spirit.

Unfortunately, I am NOT feeling better these days. Many have thought that since I am eating so much more healthily, getting the wicked toxins out and losing weight, that I should feel a lot better. I suppose that would be true if I was doing this to simply improve my health, but the reality is that I am very sick. According to my many doctors, I am a walking miracle. To be able to live the full, active and functioning life that I have is simply unheard of for someone that has lived with the severity of my complications for as long as I've been dealing with it (since the fall of 2004). I continue to have pain every day ... at times, excruciating pain.

But through it all, I am growing in my faith and overall walk with the Lord. There is always a reason to be found for the things we go through ... good and bad. We just need to be open to see and hear HIM talking to us, showing us, loving us. I do have hard days emotionally. In fact, I wanted to write this post last night, but I was so emotionally spent that I just couldn't do it. But today, God brought hope back to me again.

"Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart, All you who hope in the LORD" (Psalm 31:24).

My pain was very manageable today, and my surgeon called me. Yes, the surgeon ... not the receptionist ... not the nurse, but the doctor himself. He was proud of my progress with the diet and weight loss too, but he reminded me that the bottom line for me is my numbers ... getting the liver enzymes into normal range and getting my triglycerides down from 1200 to at least 500. He reminded me again today that I am blessed to be alive; he was so thrilled that my pancreas is in so much better shape than he thought; that I will not need a transplant in the near future and encouraged me to keep at it because there is no chance for surgery without those numbers coming down. He said that even doing the procedure at 500 is risky but doing them at 1200 is a death sentence.

 So, I am asking for prayer that:

• I can stay strong on my diet, making wise choices.

• I can get over my phobia of pill taking. I currently am on 9 medications and every swallow is a struggle for me. The medications are as important, if not more important, as the diet.
• My blood tests are July 26, and I see my new endocrinologist on July 31.
• My numbers would go down dramatically, and I will be able to have surgery in Aug.
• When I have surgery, they find that it is sphincter of oddi, and they can fix it, and that it relieves my pain completely and that there are NO other problems or pain.
• I can maintain a healthy lifestyle forever.

Hope this helps you better understand my daily struggles, but also encourages you in your walk with the Lord. Be of good courage ... He WILL strengthen your heart. Our HOPE is in the Lord.