Bittersweet Empty-Nester

As I talk to other moms, I realize that some are excited about the empty nest (time to celebrate!). Others are so sad, thinking about missing their kid(s) and being lonely. If I had not prepared myself well, I would definitely be in that second camp. 

I have unashamedly poured everything into my kids and their journeys for the past 20 years. At times, sadly, I have even found my identity through them and their accomplishments (not good).

As I prepare to send my girl off to university (boy is starting his third year) and realize this is it, I will officially be an empty nester, it's bittersweet ... but mostly sweet.

Sure, I will have lonely days. I will miss the constant activities and our lives and schedules being filled to the brim with XC, track, basketball, volleyball, band, swimming, soccer, football, choir, show choir, gymnastics, and many other things (yes, my kids actually participated in all these events and more). I will miss the noise in the house ... even the messes and piles of dirty laundry, but mostly, I will miss seeing their sweet faces and watching them grow into incredible humans.

But all is well. We made incredible memories. We lived life to the fullest. We made the moments count. And I have fulfilled (mostly ... I've been told they never really leave, which is good!) my duty as a mom by preparing them for the future (mostly-they can't cook much!) and gently and lovingly booting them out of the nest so they can start their own adult adventures.

They're not perfect! I was not a perfect mom, for sure. (Why did I yell so much?!) But God has blessed our lives, our family, and I have no regrets. I cherish these past two decades so much. 

So now, I look forward (but never forgetting the wonderful past or remembering to live in the moment of the everyday joys now-yes, even in the midst of a pandemic, joy CAN be found!) to seeing how God shapes them, how they maneuver through trials, and how they make big life decisions. I'm confident they will succeed. I'm confident they know we have their backs. And now, we (hubby and I) just sit back and enjoy the view ... and each other ... and maybe even a grandchild or 5 in the future!

Not Gonna Wish My Life Away

So many times, we spend much of life looking back and wallowing in or relishing our past (depending on if your view of those days is positive or negative) or moving ahead, focused on what's next, like the next job, finding a spouse, becoming a mom, or going to college. As a senior in high school, that's now Rachel … so excited about her future and playing basketball at Central Michigan University. That's good, but my life mantra keeps popping up, and it's a good message for her, for me, and for all of us, I think. ENJOY THE MOMENT!

It's good to remember the past so that we can learn from our mistakes and be thankful for what God has done for us. And looking forward is also great because that's how dreams are fulfilled by being excited about what's yet to be discovered and explored before us.

But in the midst of looking back or being too future focused, we cannot forget to embrace every developing season of life and live and enjoy the moment we are in NOW to the fullest.

That's what I tell Rachel. Celebrate every day of your senior year. Enjoy the relative lack of responsibility, the ability to make close friendships, the memories of sports and activities. You'll never get those days back.

Perhaps there's wisdom for each of us in this, no matter what stage of life we're in. The days are more joyous when I am not wishing them away.

Eyes On the Prize

A couple weekends ago, our family was at a basketball tournament. I know, no big surprise, right? As you know, Rachel is interested in playing basketball in college, so we're always hoping she plays well when just the right scout/coach is watching her.

That particular day, there was a whole row of scouts sitting right beside our court ... with their BACKS to the court that Rachel and her team were playing on. They had their eyes on older girls playing on the court behind us. 

In my mind, I kept thinking, "Turn around! You're missing the prize right in front of you!"

As I have reflected on this for the last couple weeks, I've wondered what prize I've missed that's been right in front of me all along. It's made me be more intentional about living in the moment; enjoying every good gift God gives to us.

Nothing could have captured my attention more than meeting with Rachel's orthopedic surgeon last Friday and hearing that she could have a serious infection ... or even cancer based on her most recent MRI. The doctor told us we needed to get more tests.

I'm overjoyed to say that her blood work indicated a few issues, but nothing life threatening. Now we wait, get more tests (another deeper MRI to see more closely how bad the fracture is in her back and an ultrasound to view the cyst on her kidney.) Then, we see what decisions we must make based on those results.

But again, my joy at hearing that her labs were basically clean outweighs it all. It made me realize again how I  must treasure every moment, every celebration, every gift from God! I need to see the prize(s) right in front of me every day. That includes my husband, my kids, my friends and extended family, my ministry and church, and life and my God.

Not everyone gets the "all clear," I know. Not everyone even gets the scares to have that moment of fear. But everyone has one life to live. Join me in making every second count!

Thanks for your love, support, and prayers! 

The Loobies

Learning How to Give ... Again

For many years as a single adult Christian, I regularly tithed and gave above and beyond offering gifts. As a newly married couple, we gave generously. And the Lord blessed our lives. Then, one day a few years ago, we began to have financial troubles, and the extra giving from us stopped. 

For the last couple of years, even our tithe has not been a full and true "tithe." I gave excuses and plead my case to the Lord ... you know I'm a missionary, right? You know that in addition to getting a lower salary than most in my field, I also take a cut in pay, right? 

Well, all along this journey, my husband has been graciously waiting for me to "get on board." And so, we've begun giving in faith ... a faith promise between us and the Lord, knowing he always takes care of us. It has been hard! But stretching one's faith always is. But it's also good, knowing and trusting him fully. 

I hope this article encourages you and spurs you on to step out in faith.

How God Taught Me to Give

by Oswald J. Smith

I shall never forget how God taught me to give. I had been pastor of a large church in the city of Toronto. One day I resigned and on the first Sunday of January became pastor of a church which knew how to give in a way I had never known. I started in this pastorate at a time when the church was holding its annual missionary convention.

Now I knew nothing about a missionary convention, I didn’t know the first thing to do. So I just sat on the platform and watched.

The ushers went down the aisles giving out envelopes. To my amazement, one had the audacity to hand me—the pastor!--an envelope. I can still remember that moment as though it were yesterday.

As I held the envelope I read, “In dependence upon God I will endeavor to give toward the missionary work of the church $_____ during the coming year.” I did not know that God was going to deal with me that morning, and teach me a lesson that I was never to forget--a lesson that later I was to teach to hundreds of others.

I started to pray. I said, “Lord God, I can’t do anything. You know I have nothing. I haven’t a cent in the bank. I haven’t anything in my pocket. This church only pays me $25.00 a week. I have a wife and child. We are trying to buy our home; prices are sky high.”

“I know that,” the Lord seemed to answer me. “I know you are getting $25.00 a week. I know you have nothing in your pocket and nothing in the bank.”

‘Well, then,” I said, relieved, “that settles it. I have nothing to give and I can’t give anything.” It was then the Lord spoke to my heart. I shall never forget it.

“I am not asking you for what you have,” He said.

“You are not asking me for what I have, Lord?” I replied. “Then what are You asking?”

“I am asking you for a faith offering. How much can you trust Me for?”

“Oh, Lord,” I exclaimed, “that’s different. How much can I trust You for?”

Of course, I knew nothing about a faith offering. But I knew the Lord was speaking. I thought He might say $5.00, or perhaps even $10.00. I almost trembled as I awaited the answer. Then it came. Now of course God didn’t speak to me in an audible voice, but He might just as well have.

“How much can I give?” I asked.

“Fifty dollars!” I exclaimed. “Why that’s two weeks’ salary!”

But again the Lord spoke and it was still the same amount. It was just as clear to me as though He had spoken out loud.

My hand trembled as I signed my name and wrote in the amount--$50.00.

How I ever paid that amount, I don’t know to this day. All I know is that every month I had to pray for $4.00. And every month God provided it. At the end of the year I had paid $50.00. As I paid the final amount I realized I had received the greatest blessing of my life!

I had trusted God for a certain amount and He had met it. So great was the spiritual blessing that the next year at the convention, I doubled the amount and gave $100.00. Then, at another convention, I doubled the amount again and gave $200.00. At still another convention I doubled it once more and gave $400.00. Then later I doubled it again and made it $800.00. From that day to this I have been increasing the amount and sending it to the Bank of Heaven year by year. If I had waited until I had it, I never would have given it because I never would have received it. I gave a faith offering and God honored it.

That was the first time, I say, that I had ever given what I call a faith offering. The Apostle Paul often took up “faith promise offerings.” He asked a church to promise a certain amount, and gave them a year to pay it. As the year drew to a close, he sent someone to remind the church of their faith promise before he arrived (see 2 Corinthians 9). A faith promise offering is a scriptural offering, it is a Pauline offering, and God blesses it.

Have you only given cash offerings? It requires little faith to give a cash offering. If I have a dollar in my pocket, all I have to do is take it out and put in on the plate. I don’t have to ask God for it. I don’t have to trust Him for any definite amount. I just have it and give it.

But it is entirely different with a faith promise offering. I have to pray and ask God how much He would have me give, then trust Him for it. Month by month I must go to Him in prayer and ask Him for the amount promised. I must wait upon Him until it comes in. What a blessing such dependence brings!

For well over a quarter of a century now, that is the kind of offering I have taken for missions. In our annual missionary convention we never get more than six or seven thousand dollars in cash, but we get a quarter of a million or more in faith promises! And it always comes in! More comes in than the amount promised!

I am not talking about pledges. A pledge offering is between you and a church, between you and a missionary society. Some day the deacons may collect it, or you may receive a letter reminding you of it. You can be held responsible for a pledge offering.

A faith promise offering is between you and God. No official will ever call on you to collect it. No one will ever send you a letter about it. If you are unable to pay it, all you have to do is to tell God about it. Give Him your reason. If He accepts it, you are free.

This, my friend, is the greatest investment you can make. You should make money for Him, use what you need to live on and give as much as you can for the work of evangelization. Put your money where it will accomplish the most for God. Put it into the getting out of the Gospel. Put it into the souls of men. Use it for those who have never heard the message.

Perhaps God would have you support a missionary or Christian organization and then another, and another. Make a faith promise offering unto Him, then trust Him to help you meet it. Immeasurable blessing will be yours.

TEEN DRAMA STINKS!

Dear pre-teen daughter,

BFFs stink! Teen drama stinks more!

I know you know this, but it never hurts to hear the truth again from someone who loves you more than her own life.

You see these hands ... they are hands that have cared for and nurtured you for 12 1/2 years. They are a mess right now because of teenage drama and stress, but I'm not in charge. My burden is light because Jesus can carry the weight for us both.

I write this letter to you now to help both of us remember these truths.

Here are my top 10 life lessons (off the top of my head)  I hope you will consider as you grow into a beautiful, godly young woman:

• "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." Don't ever become too dependent on one person for your value, entertainment, or general happiness in life. Remember your voice ... but use it wisely. 
• Be kind to everyone. Stay away from exclusive friendships. In your total absorption of each other, you end up leaving others out and hurting feelings along the way. It's never ok to exclude someone for any reason. I've tried to stress that you don't have to be bosom buddies with everyone, but you must be kind to all!
• In this age of texting and social media, don't post too much, too often. Show self-control and discretion. You can't take those mean words or inappropriate photos back. Words DO hurt. If you would not say something to us, your parents, or announce it on the PA at school, then don't say it in a text or on Instagram. Future coaches and bosses DO look at this stuff. Start a tradition now for being a responsible, without-regrets post-er.
• Every decision you make, big or small, counts. You can lose your way when you allow a person to have too much influence in your world ... especially when that person is whispering things contrary to what you have been taught and believe. Every decision you make affects your life. There are too many sad stories to learn these lessons from to not take this seriously. Remember ... consequences! Yes, one bad decision can spoil everything. But don't be afraid of making a mistake either. Sometimes the lessons we learn from mistakes are the best ones that help shape our lives for the better. So, just make conscientious choices ... and they are choices! Don't blame the world, your teachers, your coaches, or me for your problems.
• Always take the high road. Don't be too eager to defend yourself. There really is wisdom when the Bible speaks about "turning the other cheek." Usually, even if you're "right," the situation escalates when you defend yourself, or worse, begin hitting below the belt yourself. Even Jesus often refused to answer the questions of those who were just trying to trip him up rather than catch his message.
• Begin doing things for other people. Be unselfish ... even self sacrificing. You are wonderful and talented ... and I tell you these things a lot, but you must remember that the world does not revolve around you. You are not entitled to any better treatment than another human being. You are special and loved because you are a child of our King, but not entitled to privileges and benefits simply because you are a teen living in the First World. Develop a backbone (fight for the underdogs), not a wishbone.
• Treat those you love and who love you with kindness and respect. You won't ever have another set of parents or grandparents, or a brother who adores you so wholeheartedly. Return that love deeply and unconditionally.
• Don't let a person, peer pressure, or society define who you are. Don't depend on anyone for your happiness. You can't fill a void in your life with a friend, shopping, social media, drugs, or food. Only Jesus can truly fill the empty spaces. Photoshop lies. Scales don't measure the content of your heart. The number of "likes" you have on Twitter doesn't define your popularity, and even your GPA (grades) will soon be forgotten in the grand scheme of life.
  
• Someday is now and the someone is you...don't sit back and watch life pass you by. Be a full-on participant and live life to its fullest. Work hard for what you want ... and the rewards of your hard work will bring you incredible joy. Practice like it was a championship game. Do your homework with integrity. Keep your room and your home clean ... as if Jesus were coming to visit tomorrow. And don't let life pass you by while you're checking your phone.
• You are a light, so don't let the darkness around you dim who you are as a person, as our daughter, and as a child of God. "Therefore do not become partners with them; for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true" (Eph 5:7-9).

And one final thought, daughter, always remember that you are wholly and completely loved by your mama, your number one fan!

*All these thoughts are not originally mine. Some are. Others are a compilation of articles I've read and conversations I've shared. Most are, I hope, divinely inspired.

Giving Until it Hurts ... so Good

I was totally and completely humbles three times ... and that was just today!

At One Mission Society, we talk a lot about Going (serving), Giving, and Praying. I want to share three things that happened today that left me speechless, inspired, happy, and totally humbled.

Praying
First, in the coming days, many OMS mission leaders serving around the world will descend upon our OMS HQ. Today, one early "arriver" stopped in my office to say hello. Then, he blew me away by asking about something personal I asked him to pray for a year ago. That he remembered meant a lot, but knowing him, he's probably also been praying faithfully for me this past year. Wow. I am humbled and want to be a better prayer warrior.

Giving
Second, I'm in the midst of raising more support for my ministry with OMS. I've been raising funds for ministry for the past 25 years, so I should never be surprised by God's provision and people's generosity, but once again, God did it. I received two more faith promises (similar to pledges) for my support. Overall, in past 2 months, I have received as many positive responses as I have in the past several years, so I am wonderfully encouraged that God is providing ... and I am doing what God wants me to.

Serving
And finally, and this is a huge one, I was speechless (hard to do) and inspired by the selfless, generous act of a coworker today. I won't name his name as he'd be embarrassed, but I hope he knows how much he inspired me today.

This man is a new OMS missionary and within just months of being here has had to jump into a HUGE project like no other. He has handled the stress, complaints, and long hours like a saint. But what he did today simply blew me away.

I was so happy to see him late in the day today as I needed his help and had searched for him for hours. When I asked where he'd been all day, he said he'd helped someone in need. This someone was another fellow coworker who had requested help a couple times and apparently no one had responded to her need. I justified not responding because "I" am super busy. "I" have an important job. Surely there were others who could step up to help who were less busy than I.

Yet, this man, probably busier than ANYONE in our building, dropped his own work to drive this coworker to the north side of the city.

I am humbled ... and motivated to step up. To be the hands and feet of Jesus. To stop and look around at the needs around me.

Lord, help us to know when to say no...and when to say yes. Not to use our own excuses, but to respond as you would.

A Few of My Favorite...and not so Favorite Things

Things I Love:
reading
reading in bed on a rainy day
smell of bread cooking in oven
a newly mowed yard
a newly vacuumed carpet
a clean house
snuggles with kids
my family
Jesus' mercy
peanut butter
sleeping in
watching my kids play sports
watching NFL football
hearing my kids pray
seeing beautiful architecture
writing when it flows well

a good love story
worship in the car--windows down, radio up
back rubs from hubby
red licorice
checking things off my to-do list
getting good medical results
scrapbooking
Mom's sugar cookies
angel food cake
going to the fair with family
a really good steak
napping in a hammock on a breezy day
the smell of babies
camping
mowing on a riding lawn mower
clean teeth

Things I Don't Love So Much:
men in speedos
turtlenecks
socks
sweaters
humidity
pollen
sand
weeds
water/taking showers
allergies
taking long trips
hives and eczema
shots in the mouth
heights
walking up hills
snakes
poison ivy
seafood
money woes
feeling bloated
in
justice
horror movies

Are You a Leader or Follower?

As I drove into the McDonald's parking lot this morning, I almost gave up and drove on when I saw the line backed up to the road. What was going on? It wasn't even rush hour.

My curiosity (and my desire for a Diet Coke before I give it up again for a month) got the better of me. So, I creeped along in the line...edging my way up to the drive-thru window ever so slowly.

Then, I noticed why there was a back up. Customers were only using one of the two lanes. I wondered why. Once I got close enough, I thought I'd see a sign saying "out of order" or something along those lines. No sign.

Yet, all the cars continued to follow the lead car into the one lane. Hummm?

So, when I got close enough, I inched my way into the line no one had been using with fear and trepidation. My heart was actually racing. I felt like a rebel. Then I thought, stop being stupid, Susan! All that could happen is they could say it's out of order or be silent and not be able to take my order at all. A risk my adventurous self was willing to take.

Yet, this is what I heard, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order? I gave it ... and guess what? All the other cars behind me followed and the jammed parking lot became unjammed.

When I got to the window to pay, I asked the cashier what had happened. He responded, "I have no idea. People are dumb and just follow other people blindly."

As I drove away, I thought about it and agreed he was right ... people follow blindly out of fear or ignorance, but sometimes, they follow out of loyalty or love.

Are you a leader or follower? And if you're a follower...WHO do you follow?

As for me and my house, we will follow (serve) the Lord.

Perspective

Perspective is not everything... but it's important!

How we look at things and how we see them helps us form our attitudes and opinions.

Case in point. It's 36 degrees F outside. To most people, that's cold ...just above freezing, in fact. Yet, with the sun shining and my coat zipped up, I actually felt warm this afternoon while driving home. I unzipped, cracked my window and turned off my heater. I was actually shocked when I looked and saw that it was still only 36 degrees. Yet, compared to the sub-zero temps we've been experiencing much of this winter ... along with the brightly shining sun, it seemed warm. 

And I wasn't alone in this thought ... I passed a young man carrying his coat while walking along the side of the road ... in 36 degree weather, with snow and ice everywhere.

This photo says it all. I think we all need to occasionally tilt our head more often, especially when our perspective is off kilter. Perhaps our attitude needs adjusting. Maybe we've become a bit too complacent. Or maybe we're just a bit too spoiled. I know I'm guilty.

I've heard a lot of whining in my corner of the world about the weather--too much snow, too cold, too gray and yucky...

I personally tend to constantly whine about being "poor." Ha! I don't even know what poor is! But my head is tilted in the wrong direction sometimes, and I can only see the debt, bills, and lack of. Is this the legacy ... and mantra I am leaving for my children?

Where is your perspective skewed?

Let's tilt our heads, open our eyes, and SEE the blessings instead of the curses. Humm, the view is gorgeous!

Burned Finger

Well, I decided to post my burned finger story here vs. on Facebook because people have to seek out pics here vs being forced to look at them on FB. And many friends have wanted to hear...and yes, SEE the progress of the burn.

So, if you are squeamish, leave now...

What I can say I have gained from this experience is true empathy for burn victims. My little burn is so insignificant in comparison to many who have had much more extensive burns, yet my one finger has caused a lot of pain...and today, on day 10, it continues to hurt. Today, I worry a lot about spreading infection as I now have pain moving up my hand beyond the actual wound.

Here's the story...

On Sunday, March 24, the start of C & R's 2-week spring break and the last day I'd get to spend with them for 11 days, R requested that I make caramel popcorn as a special treat. I do it the old-fashioned way...I boil it on the stove top. I acquiesced, but I wanted her to watch so she could learn how to make it--not that I would ever let her work with boiling caramel yet, but so she'd know what went into it.

It was all complete when I used my left (or weaker) hand to hold the pan and my right hand to stir the caramel sauce as I poured it on the popcorn. Well, after a couple minutes of this, my weaker left hand was struggling to keep the pan upright, so I tried to adjust my grip as week bit. In the process, my left middle finger touched the side of the pan and burned the finger. This caused me to jump and...yep, pour the boiling caramel on my right hand/finger.

I thank God that not 30 seconds before this happened, I had asked Rachel to scoot back as the hot sauce could burn her badly if I spilled it.

Well, the rest is history as they say...here is my 10-day progress in pictures:

Day 1

Day 2

Day 3, 4 and 5--went to Dr.--2nd degree burns and infected. Got antibiotic.

Day 5-post bandage

Day 6--looking lots better, I thought

Day 7

Lost an entire layer of skin on day 9...
Day 10--swollen again and getting red (infected??) further up my hand, even away from the wound.

Survivor

I am a Survivor fan (actually, I enjoy most reality competition shows). I've watched Survivor every season since it started 26 seasons ago! Spoiler alert...if you're a fan and haven't watched last night's episode, stop reading. If you saw it or don't care, please continue.

All day, well on and off all day, I have thought about Brandon's meltdown. I was so mad at him last night, and I continued to slander him in my mind today. How could a guy who:

1. Had the opportunity of a lifetime, blow it through stupidity?
2. Had such a hard time on the first show come back and blow his second chance, not learning any lessons from the first time?
3. Claims to be a born-again Christian use such awful language and totally lose his cool, hurting the whole tribe in the process of his rant? What kind of testimony is that!?

So, this was my thought pattern for about 22 hours. Then, I was driving home from work, thinking about it again. I asked God why I was consumed with Survivor and Brandon in such a way. In that still small voice of His, I believe He said, "Because I have some lessons for you to learn from this, Susan."

Lessons from Survivor:

• God continually gives us second (and third and fourth...) chances when we make stupid choices. In His incredible grace, He forgives us and remembers no more.
• How many times have I read about the stupid Israelites in the desert and been frustrated at their lack of faith after God proved Himself faithful time and time again? Too many, I'm afraid.
• What do the words I say, the things I do say about me and my relationship to Christ? Is my testimony one that is a shining light or hummm, do people wonder if I am a believer or not? What about my actions behind closed doors? Am I showing my kids Jesus through my love, patience, goodness, faith, faithfulness, etc...?

That's it. I'm going to pray for Brandon. He is a real person. I'm not naive enough to know that there is drama, some acting, some creative editing, etc..., but those people that I peek in on each week are real people...real people who walk with Jesus, need Him, need His grace and forgiveness and need people to love them. I worry for Brandon's future. I'm going to pray for him.

Next post: Hopefully will not be coming in 8 months, but I am thinking about nursery rhymes and rocks...stay tuned.

I Will Trust Him ... Even If ...

As a catch-up for those who haven't heard or can't remember, I have been sick for about 8 years with issues related to pancreatitis. But for the past 7 months, I have experienced pain every day. The latest plan of action is to get my next blood tested again at the end of the month, then get the results on July 31 on a visit to my new endocrinologist. If my triglycerides are below 500 (they're supposed to be 150 or lower--mine have been more than 1000 since 2004, 1250 two months ago), I will be able to have the surgery that the surgeons think will be able to fix my problems and make the pain stop...at least it has worked for 60% of this surgeon's patients in the past. The problem is that they cannot know if that is even my problem...until they get in there.

Well, I have a track record with my numbers...they often go up and down with no rhyme or reason. In other words, once when I went on a pretty strict diet, was exercising and lost weight, my number went UP. After that, I said, "Well, forget that, I killed myself for nothing, so I'm doing whatever I want." Guess what happened? Yep, you guessed it. My numbers went down. My doctors have been so perplexed, frustrated, humbled, saying I'm an anomaly and a walking miracle.

So, as my lab date draws closer, I begin to fret, worry, be anxious, etc...God, what will I do IF my numbers don't go down...or even worse, they go up. I can't handle that. Or, what if my triglycerides do go below 500, I get the surgery, but they don't find the problem they think it is...they find nothing and my pain will continue. It means I have done all this for nothing. It means I gave up popcorn, potatoes, pasta, bread, fruit, candy and DIET COKE, etc...all for NOTHING! I've lost 22 lbs in 30 days, but for what if I can't have health and live without pain?

But then ... God spoke to me. He really spoke to me ... for the second time in this journey. The first time was telling me I had to give up the Diet Coke because it had become an idol in my life. He was right. I gave it up, and HE has helped me not to crave it or miss it at all.

This latest time, which was just a couple days ago, late one evening, was when I was in my whining, fretting mode...saying, "God, what if... What if my numbers don't go down? What if they can't figure out what is wrong with me? What if I never get better? Will I be able to trust You? Will I be able to go on living joyfully in the midst of daily pain?"

Then, clear as if He was sitting next to me, because basically He was, He said, "Trust me ... even if. Come to me, Susan. I adore you." Then, I knew that no matter what happens, I WILL be OK because He is with me, He loves me...even if I never find relief, I'll never walk this walk alone.

I don't know what people who have no faith, no Jesus in their lives do in these stormy times. I know I am holding on tightly ... for life...EVEN IF!

Blog Name Change Needed!

Well, first order of business is that my son told me I need to change the title of my blog since I've given up Diet Coke for health reasons. So, as I thought about it, I thought Chai Chat would be cute and catchy and although it's not completely healthful to drink, I love it. But, alas, the name is already being used ... twice. One for a talk radio show and one for a group to reconcile religious differences. So, hum, what else? Water, of course, is the best drink of choice, but honestly, although I'm drinking it by the gallons, I don't really love it. Plus, Water Cooler Chat was also taken and Water Chat is just too boring ... and kinda misleading. Unsweetened Ice Tea Chat is so not catchy, even though it is not taken and it HAS become my drink of choice lately. 

So, I need your help ... what should I retitle my blog to? Give me your ideas ... you might just be the winner and get bragging rights to a blog read by a whooping 100 people/post! : ) Take that you professional Mommy bloggers now making millions!

Coming soon ... what God recently spoke to me about ...

Hope in the Midst of Health Issues

"Susan, I'm so proud of you." "Keep up the good work." "You must be feeling so much better these days."

I wanted to give an update to my continuous battle with health issues, and share what my typical answers are to the above comments.

Thank you so much! Your encouragement, kind words and support mean the world to me.

Thanks! It is hard work, but it has been so much easier than I ever thought possible. I realize that it took desperate life and death circumstances for this stubborn woman to get it through my think skull that MAJOR changes needed to be made. Sure, I've done the right thing here and there lots of times throughout the years, but I always approached it with mediocrity, half hearted. And even though many times I have sought the Lord for strength and help, I had never come to Him in total desperation, pleading for HIS power and His strength to empower me. I am happy to report at the end of day 16, I am going strong and feeling great ... emotionally, at least. I have been able to not only resist every temptation, but I have not even had the desire for any of the no-no's. THAT, my friends, is the power of the Holy Spirit.

Unfortunately, I am NOT feeling better these days. Many have thought that since I am eating so much more healthily, getting the wicked toxins out and losing weight, that I should feel a lot better. I suppose that would be true if I was doing this to simply improve my health, but the reality is that I am very sick. According to my many doctors, I am a walking miracle. To be able to live the full, active and functioning life that I have is simply unheard of for someone that has lived with the severity of my complications for as long as I've been dealing with it (since the fall of 2004). I continue to have pain every day ... at times, excruciating pain.

But through it all, I am growing in my faith and overall walk with the Lord. There is always a reason to be found for the things we go through ... good and bad. We just need to be open to see and hear HIM talking to us, showing us, loving us. I do have hard days emotionally. In fact, I wanted to write this post last night, but I was so emotionally spent that I just couldn't do it. But today, God brought hope back to me again.

"Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart, All you who hope in the LORD" (Psalm 31:24).

My pain was very manageable today, and my surgeon called me. Yes, the surgeon ... not the receptionist ... not the nurse, but the doctor himself. He was proud of my progress with the diet and weight loss too, but he reminded me that the bottom line for me is my numbers ... getting the liver enzymes into normal range and getting my triglycerides down from 1200 to at least 500. He reminded me again today that I am blessed to be alive; he was so thrilled that my pancreas is in so much better shape than he thought; that I will not need a transplant in the near future and encouraged me to keep at it because there is no chance for surgery without those numbers coming down. He said that even doing the procedure at 500 is risky but doing them at 1200 is a death sentence.

 So, I am asking for prayer that:

• I can stay strong on my diet, making wise choices.

• I can get over my phobia of pill taking. I currently am on 9 medications and every swallow is a struggle for me. The medications are as important, if not more important, as the diet.
• My blood tests are July 26, and I see my new endocrinologist on July 31.
• My numbers would go down dramatically, and I will be able to have surgery in Aug.
• When I have surgery, they find that it is sphincter of oddi, and they can fix it, and that it relieves my pain completely and that there are NO other problems or pain.
• I can maintain a healthy lifestyle forever.

Hope this helps you better understand my daily struggles, but also encourages you in your walk with the Lord. Be of good courage ... He WILL strengthen your heart. Our HOPE is in the Lord.

Make the Means Justify the End

You've heard the idiom, "the ends justify the means" or the end excuses any evil, meaning it doesn't matter what you do (right or wrong) getting there as long as when you get there, you achieve your goal. Well, I'm putting a little spin on that thought tonight. I'm saying, make the means justify the end.

Let me put it into context...I've had eczema on my neck for many years. Not many people see it, and honestly, I am not often bothered by it, but every time I get my hair cut and the hair dresser asks about it or I sweat a lot, and it begins to burn, I say to myself...why do I not regularly use the cream I have that totally heals it?! Why? Because it's a pain. I have to use it every day or the rash reappears. So, usually, I just say it's not worth it. I guess it's the same idea as people who refuse to make their beds because they're just going to mess it up again.

Another example is conquering a great feat like training to climb a mountain, then climbing it, studying hard for a test, then passing, etc... You can rejoice in that great accomplishment if you get there fairly and honestly.

Well, I'm in that phase of life right now with my diet. Because of my ongoing health issues, I've been told I must go on a very strict diet--no carbohydrates, no starches, no sugars, no grains, no fruits and NO DIET COKE (or any carbonated drink.) So many of my friends and family have been huge encouragements to me, for which I am grateful, but honestly, it has been pretty easy to say no thus far. (I know I am only on day 11, but it's the best I have done in a long time.) I know that the reason it has been easier this time around is because of God's strength in me... and the reality that I am living with chronic pain. It's easy to say no to the tempting piece of fresh zucchini bread with warm butter when I picture that piece as being equal to continued pain and sickness. Thus, it's so not worth it! I am gonna make the means justify the end... no cheating along the way...

So, here's to you--you who are trying to spend more time with your kids; you who are trying to lose weight; you who are trying to exercise more regularly; you who are trying to get out of debt; you who are trying to keep your house cleaner; you ... fill in the blank (btw, all these are ME) ...let's not make excuses to getting where we wanna go. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it takes time, energy and resources. And yes, we're tired and lazy, but it's worth it. I'm not going to choose to do anything morally wrong in my journey to achieve the result that I want, but I am going to pray so hard, work so hard, be encouraged so fully that each step along the way will be celebrated...and each day that I make a good choice, get good results...well then, that's a victory, right? There are fireworks going shooting off in my world tonight! : )

Stomping Out My Fears

I teach people how to create their own blogs...and then I warn them...do NOT start a blog if you are not going to post regularly...or else you will lose your audience. I'm definitely not practicing what I preach.

My name is Susan. It's been 4 months since my last post. I am a perfectionist.

Huh? Yep. I write, edit and do general things in the world of communications on a daily basis (and I love it), but when it comes to writing my own blog, I struggle. Why? I love to write. It's super cathartic. I certainly don't lack good material or stories. But...I can't seem to just let go and freely write and not worry that it's perfectly formed or thought out. So, tonight, I said to myself, "Just go for it! Do it!" Plus in our world of social media, I can just repost on FB and the missed months of blogging seem to evaporate.

So, here's to freely blogging more often in the near future!

Life Is Precious

I have a good life. I am blessed. I don't take one day for granted. I know our days are numbered. It seems that death, sickness and challenges surround me/us these days.

I have a coworker whose adult son died last week of a heart attack. Another coworker's son was just diagnosed with cancer. My bestie has leukemia...and now so does her son. A friend was just diagnosed with breast cancer on Monday. 

Tomorrow my dad finds out when/if he'll have the surgery to "disconnect" his heart electrodes and live 100% dependent on a pacemaker. He ponders mortality and eternity every day as he lives a less than full life these days. It's hard to watch your parents grow old. It's hard to grow old...although I don't fight it.

Whitney Houston died, and the world can't stop talking about it, but I think it's OK, especially if it makes people think about mortality and eternity. I hope so.

I'm reading the "it" book right now, Heaven Is for Real. It's making me think a lot more deeply than I thought I would...about death. about life. about God. about sharing Jesus.

I know about pain. emotional. spiritual. physical. I lived with chronic back pain for more than two years. Today, I battle pancreatitis. I had been asymptomatic for 1 1/2 years, but at the New Year, the pain returned. Tests says it's not pancreatitis...yay...but we don't know what it is. So, I live with abdominal pain every day...for now...for such a time as this.

It's frustrating, but it's OK. It makes me appreciate every day. And it makes me always talk to, question and trust the Lord. That's a good thing.

My list could go on with people losing jobs, struggling to pay bills and others just generally unhappy and uncertain about what tomorrow holds.

Me? I know what holds tomorrow...and WHO holds it.

So, I live life trying to please Him.

I'm so privileged to be Patrick's wife. I'm an awful wife, mind you...selfish and arrogant, but I love him deeply, and I try really hard. And the stuff I do well, I do really well! He's such a good man...and a natural evangelist. He wants to be, rather, he needs to be in full time Christian service. But I lack faith. How will we afford insurance with my medical history? Oh, God, help me trust!The day is coming soon though, I think.

And wow, the awesome responsibility to be the mom of C & R blows me away at times. I don't take it lightly. But a great mama, I am not. I lack patience and am much too demanding. But I am learning, and they NEVER question if I love them. I am grateful for the privilege of teaching them God's Word...to walk in His ways...but even with that I struggle. I scream and yell at them to memorize their Scripture verses. Duh!? How moronic is that?

My ministry with One Mission Society could not be more fulfilling. Get this, I actually LIKE going to work. I always feel so bad for people that sing the TGIF tune. Why do I enjoy it so much? Because I realize that the part I play (although remote and small in the grand scheme of things) is important...and it IS part of fulfilling the Great Commission. Last year alone, as a result of OMS ministries (and by God's grace), more than 700,000 people made decisions for Christ...and these were not just counted hands in the air at a big conference. Each soul was followed up, discipled, trained...each decision was real.

Yes, I have my own set of worries and struggles, but for me, the phrase, "God is good, all the time," is not a cliche. I believe it, even when I don't feel it. Life is precious. I don't want one precious minute of it to be wasted.

This post is dedicated to my friend, Jodi McKenna, in honor of her imperfections and her encouragement.

A Few of My Favorite Things

It's been a while since I blogged...do you know why I don't blog much? Do you think it is because I'm too busy? I am busy, but no, that's not why. Do you think it's because I don't have any interesting stories to tell? Nope, I got 'em by the truckload. Confession...it's because I'm a perfectionist and struggle with not blogging perfectly the thought I want to express. After all, I am supposed to be a writer. So many people have begged me to write a book or two. I want to, but my anal, perfectionist, OCD tendencies prevent me. I'm trying to overcome it with the Lord's help...and to just blog for the great cathartic results I get and not to try to impress or humor...just get the ideas, jumbled as they are on "paper."

So, this is what's on my mind today...naming my favorite things. Why? I'm sad. My best friend found out that her son has leukemia today. Daniel is like a third child to me. I hurt for him and for his family. This is going to be a hard journey. So, instead of fixing my mind on the sadness, I have prayed much and now I am ready to praise through shouting out my favorite things. These are things that bring me joy...gifts from God, family, friends and life...

I'm not going to be as lyrical or rhymy as Maria, eg raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, but these things make me happy, bring me joy, make me smile...and I need that today.

DIET COKE, of course, in a large styrofoam cup from McDonalds, from a fountain, for sure;

Red licorice strings; a handful of red hots swishing around in my mouth; watching big, white snowflakes fall from the sky (even better witnessing Trinidadian family members who've never seen snow look up at it in wonder and dance around in joy); watching my daughter's face at Disney World when she saw the castle for the first time...and she got tears in her eyes (and she's not a princess fan), thanked me for bringing her and saying, "This place really is magical, Mommy."

A juicy steak cooked to perfection on the grill; a great episode of Castle; when my husband spontaneously laughs loud and strong...doesn't happen often, but when it does, it's precious; having a 100% clean house and sitting and looking at it with pride and joy; listening to my incredible son ask me about my day and hugging me hard when he knows it was crummy; watching Christmas lights twinkle while sitting in a dark room; smelling homemade bread and cookies baking in the oven, with the delicious smells permeating the whole house; staying on track with my Bible-in-a-year reading plan and really learning new stuff and enjoying doing it with my girl;

a clean desk at work; playing games on Facebook which easily relaxes and decompresses me; scrapbooking with friends; looking at those same completed scrapbooks with my kids and reliving the memories; reading a great book, esp. if it's about medieval Scotland; having lip balm at my fingertips wherever I am; living in a free country; watching a great movie, with a big bowl of popcorn; angel food cake; anything with mint or toffee in it; hanging out with my extended family and playing games (this past New Year's eve was awesome!)

the color purple; a new purse; the Container Store or any other organizationy kind of store/supplies; pasta; pixie stix, esp. the red ones; The Amazing Race; Jeremy Camp's "Give Me Jesus."

Anything by Fernando Ortega; Tyler Perry; forcing my kids to do their AWANA verses (not so much fun) but seeing them work at it, learn them and really GET IT = priceless; completing a big project at work; having the privilege of serving Jesus...no, really!; hanging with my girlfriends, sharing a meal; a big heaping pile of my mom's mashed potatoes and gravy; my mom's Christmas sugar cookies; ginger snaps; root beer floats; tacos al pastor; sleeping an extra hour either in the morning or with a weekend nap; the smell of freshly cut grass; paying all the monthly bills and having more than $13.82 to last for the next two weeks; the kids carrying their clean clothes upstairs and putting them away; coming home at the end of a long day, dreading having to cook dinner and then, smelling that hubby cooked for us all!

These are a few of my favorite things. I'm happy now...and you know me a little better now too if you made it this far. Oh yeah, I love my friends too, especially those who read my blog and make fun comments! : )

Stay tuned tomorrow for...a few of my most hated things...just kidding, although I could probably come up with a few of those too. Happy New Year 2012!

Rejoicing in Death

Morbid title...nope. Last week, my coworker Pat died unexpectantly. Ever since, I've been thinking a lot about death. Not unusual, I don't think. The same thing happened when my neighbor died almost one year ago. It hits you so hard. Now, I'm thinking about death and my own dad.

My dad has had several heart attacks and many heart procedures over the last few years. His latest problem is that his heart is out of rhythm...and there's no hope, outside a miracle, that it will be fixed. He's already been shocked back into rhythm dozens of times and just two months ago, he had an experimental procedure that if it worked could have fixed it. It didn't. Now, he lives with whacked out blood pressure, rapid pulse, dizziness and horrible lethargy. Basically, his quality of life stinks.

This makes me think about death. Can you really prepare for someone's death? And...can we rejoice in death? Yes, we can. In the case of Pat...I know she is with the Lord. She loved and served him for more than 50 years. She was sickly, old beyond her years and nearly deaf ever since I've known her. Now, she is in the presence of the Lord...healthy, happy and hearing. I rejoice in that thought.

The good thing in all this thinking is that it makes me want to be with the Lord too. But until that day, it makes me want to make sure I am right with Him, ensure that I am teaching my kids Truth and that I am sharing the Truth of the Gospel with those who have yet to hear or receive. He IS real! And He is coming back again. Join me in getting our "houses" in order.

It's about time, huh? For HIS Glory

Well, I do believe it has been more than 2 months since my last blog...oops! Finally, I'm in the mood again. Since my trip to Asia, I have just been too pooped to write...well, write outside of OMS, that is.

This one is gonna be short...but sweet, I hope. I had a really crummy day at work today. Nothing went right, I felt like I was spinning my wheels, things that should have been simple were not, I'm having a personal conflict with someone that I've tried and tried to resolve but to no avail, etc. You get it...just one of those crummy days. I guess more than anything, I was feeling defeated, like..."why do I even bother!?" On my way home, I began to pray...my first real heartfelt prayer since waking up. I just spewed to God how crummy my day had been, how frustrated I was... Then, I took the martyr route one step further, saying, "What am I even doing for the kingdom, Lord? Why am I wasting time and money to post books to the website and edit receipt letters and other seemingly mundane and insignificant things?!"

Then, I had one of those chilling God moments where He speaks so clearly, you KNOW it is Him. I had the Christian radio station on, but I really wasn't listening...I was too busy complaining. Well, then I shut up for a moment and a song I'd heard dozens of times came on...I even began to half sing with it...then I almost slammed on my brakes. Why? I actually listened to the words...words I had NEVER realized were sung before...maybe they weren't and they really were just for ME at the time I needed to hear it.

Anyway, as I listened, I just began to smile and weep with joy at God's goodness. The words to the songs were basically (although drastically paraphrased and I can't even search it cuz don't know name or artist)...if you're a mom and you're worn out or if you're a worker who works but don't know for what reason, do everything for my glory.

Bam! I was suddenly filled with joy because it doesn't really matter what I do...the good things, the big things, the small things, the seemingly insignificant things...I knew I just needed to do EVERYTHING for His glory. My whole attitude changed and instead of coming home as a tired, grumpy mom and wife, I was happily singing and had a skip in my step. Patrick said, "You must have had a good day at work." I happily relied, "Nope, it was really horrible."